2.14.07

a much-needed day of laziness and chatting with my dad over coffee and sandwiches. he showed up, brought me some beans and soymilk from my stepmom, and took me to delta to get some lunch. we talked and laughed, about movies and music and family and life in general. we went to borders, where he asked me two questions: which cat power cd should i get, and which belle and sebastian cd should i get? damn. he bought me an album, and then wrote me a monthly check and went on back up the hill to grass valley.

last night i painted at naomi's house until five in the morning, and then i went home and went to sleep. i hadn't painted in so long. it felt like i exhumed something from myself that has been greatly in need of exhumation.

i've been thinking a lot about the past. i think i have some odd fear of becoming detached from it; of forgetting; of not bothering to connect the present to what came before. i would trade a lot of the present for a few of the things that came before. i miss people too easily and i sift through my memories looking for evidence of where things went wrong. the evidence isn't there.

i'd like to be more productive. i'd like to amaze myself, for once, and meet my own standards, which are exceedingly high. i want to be inspired by the people and events around me, everywhere i go. i want to feel things intensely and actually care one way or the other about matters and issues. i want to be humbled and astounded. i want to find open hearts and searching eyes.