2.26.07

my mother got married yesterday. technically, two days ago (the 24th). i rode a bus into auburn with my brother and my dad met us and took us home. i hadn't slept in over a day at that point. i'd tried to sleep the night before, and it just hadn't worked. and i'd had to catch a bus that morning at 9:00, so i'd woken up around 7:30. by "woken up", i mean gotten out of bed and decided that sleeping was no longer an option. the train ride and subsequent bus-ride went fine, and after spending a few hours with my dad, i went to my mom's wedding with my brother. both of us were equipped with our own respective umbrellas. the wedding was a florist's shop. we walked in, and our mother was upstairs with her soon-to-be stepdaughter, getting pretty, i presume. the groom and the entire family on both sides were present. we were not dressed up. i was wearing urban lazy garb and my brother was wearing a long black coat, black pants, black boots, and a black shirt. we were approached by people but were somewhat unresponsive and gripey. as soon as i walked in, i realized it was going to be hard for me to handle the whole thing. i made the i'm-about-to-cry face for a few minutes, and then when my grandmother came up to talk about me i started to actually cry, and i walked out in a mini-rage. i walked two blocks up the street and ran into my friend jake, whom i hadn't seen in months or maybe a year. he asked how i was and explained the situation, promising i didn't cry all the time. he said his mother had done the same thing, and had married someone she'd known only a few months. i asked how he was, and he said something like, "really horrible now. you totally bummed me out." he's a sweetheart and i wish i'd run into him at another time. but i'm glad someone was there to witness the ridiculousness of my state.

i stormed up the street after he walked on, and went to a coffee shop where i'd spent many post-highschool afternoons. i ordered some tea and sort of paced about, eventually getting a phone call from my brother. i told him i'd be in the cafe and that i didn't want to handle the wedding. he said something to the effect of, "it's not up to me; it's your choice". eventually i conceded and decided to head back to the wedding, but by then it was about 20 minutes after the designated start-time. i opened the door and the ceremony was already going on. it took place in a flower shop, so as i opened the door a door-chime chimed, announcing my entrance to all 20 or so people in attendance. there i was, the apparently begrudging youth showing up late for her mother's wedding that she'd almost decided not to come back to. i walked in and my mother made a face that showed she was fighting back tears. i felt a little guilty at that point. following the ceremony, my brother and i both refused to take part in the wedding photos. my grandmother came up to me again, and at that point i started to cry and said something about how i wasn't crying out of joy, as my grandmother seemed to be implying. then i left again, and walked a few blocks down the street and proceeded to call my dad. i told him i wanted to bail, and he said he couldn't come get me because he'd just ordered dinner at a restaurant with his wife. my brother came and talked to me, and we both agreed to suck it up and go to the post-wedding reception/dinner.

when i got to the restaurant, i sought out a bathroom with the intent of washing my face and such, but ended up sitting in a chair and sort of breaking down a bit. the whole thing was really hard for me, for reasons that have quite a history behind them. i hadn't cried in months, and i'd been very happy, but the event was just a really bizarre thing for me, especially since i'd only met my new stepfather once, and when i had, a lot of intense family drama had ensued. two of my mom's former coworkers were really sweet to me, and talked to me until i was ready to get my shit together and go join the dinner party. we were seated across from a nice couple from humbolt, and they were incredibly sweet. i started up conversation with them, initially because i felt bad and didn't want them to have a bad time, since my brother and i were the only people they were really seated next to (and a few of my mom's friends + her brother). i ended up actually really enjoying their company and input, and especially after a few glasses of wine i really enjoyed talking to them. i also talked a bit to anne a bit more and she seemed pretty amazingly wonderful and honest and came across as a pretty legit human being.

once i got a little bit buzzed, i started feeling a little guilty for the way i'd acted, which had really been pretty childish. i gave my mom a hug and, although i think she was initially hurt by my behavior, i know that she knows me well enough to know that i understand. she knows i don't handle change well, and i never have. i love her despite anything she and i have gone through and any disputes we've had, and even if i don't agree with her decisions, it's not necessarily my place to say so, nor am i really entitled. i tried to be as cordial as i was able, and gave out a few hugs, and ate some gourmet food and tiramisu, and then my brother and i left the reception to get picked up by our dad.

i went to bed around 8:30 that night and slept until 9:30 the next day: a peaceful and sound night of rest. my dad made us waffles in the morning, and then tried to put us on a bus which never showed up and proceeded to drive me all the way to davis. he's a good man.

i got back to davis, mellowed out a bit, and gave taylor a haircut. he said he wanted some cross between professional and non-professional, so i cut the sides really short, left the front long, and left the back slightly long but still shorter than the front. i was quite happy with my work there. he went home, and then i screwed around on the internet for a bit, talked to dana on the phone for a long time (she's a professional big-shot all of a sudden and will be able to afford more clothing than and concert tickets than myself), and then put on a gold scarf, put my hair up, put on a skirt, and went to rock it, jordan's DJ night at the grad. i never dance when i'm sober, so i mostly just talked with friends, but it was nonetheless really nice.

i got home a few hours ago and felt the way i've been feeling a lot lately: strangely happy, mostly due to the abundance of good energy that my friends seem to have, somehow even when they're having bad days.

i threw a long-ish, wordy, overly flowery email in the direction of an old friend who i never talk to anymore. i'm not sure why i still write, because he doesn't respond. but i like to think that the act of writing someone shouldn't only happen in order to recieve a response. perhaps there's something in letting someone know you care even if you will never know that they do? it's as a friend that i care, and it's with love that i care. that he knows this is all that i ask. i'd like to ask that one day all of these things in my life will make some sense, but yet i'm learning to make peace with the notion that the pieces might never fall into place and that they are somehow in place, maybe, but that i'm just not meant to understand quite how they are so. nothing is quite out of context, because everything follows everything prior. i will miss people greatly, and this kind of missing may never amount to anything, and it may never really go away, but the influence of these people will never leave my life; and those who influenced me more will continue to have profound impact on me even years after i have forgotten their laugh of their manner of blinking their eyes, or the sound of their sleeping breathing. but i hope that i never forget these things. i don't wish to change things, because i trust that people of my past do things that make them happy, and this is all i want for them. it is not in my power to judge whether someone should be a part of my life or not, even as a friend. i just want to live in such a way that i am free of regrets when i am old and full of aches and creaks.

i've a long week ahead of me. a show on thursday, which should me amazingly intimidating and yet hopefully somehow a success. also i've a lot of work to do in school. i've been excited about the future lately, particularly about the prospect of moving out of california and heading to new york, or even staying in california and moving to san francisco.

i hope that there is no delusionment involved in the act of being happy. i don't think there needs to be. every day fills me with awe as of late. it's a feeling i can't describe, and the fact that i can't directly attribute it to something makes it feel more real to me somehow; less fleeting. i've said so a lot, but it still holds true. i hope that i can have an equal exchange with the world. i would love to give to the world as much awe as it continuously gives to me.