3.24.07

the sun is out, and the allergens are out, and the highschoolers are hitting the town riding razor scooters and wearing hot pants. which is an interesting combination of phenomena. today i woke up and rode my newly retrieved bike, then went to delta to meet steph and kristen and matty. i went home to watch cheap movies bought off of itunes and to soak my eye with hot water because it's inflamed and painful. i've been viewing the world through stunner-shades for the past five days, and i miss things being a bit brighter in color as a result; but, just the same, i enjoy the incognito aspect that life has held for me from behind tinted lenses. it's strange that, amidst a college world filled with keg-standees and king's cup games, the events that give me the most happiness are the simple things: walking through campus in the morning half asleep with a cup of coffee in my hand on the way to class, reading the newspaper in the mornings, doing crossword puzzles, watching strangers walk by and bike by, realizing i really care about the people in my life and feeling pretty legitimately lucky to have said people around me, and having dinner with close friends.

something i've been increasingly aware of in the past few years of my life is the envy that manifests itself in me when i encounter a creative work that i consider to be meaningful. when i watch a band play a show that really moves me or inspires me or makes me want to move around, i get a really intense urge to go home and write music. when i pick up a book that words things in such a way that fodders my mind, i have a hard time reading further without wanting to sit down and write something that the book has made me think about, or write something that i consider to be a step towards such a caliber of writing. when i visit an art gallery, i have a hard time walking around without getting pissed off at my own laziness with regard to productivity in the visual arts. all of these reactions are, when it comes down to it, positive things; because in the long run they will probably fuel me to be more creative and productive if i don't let them humble me to the point of stagnancy.

i've been pretty content and at peace for a while now - pretty much since the beginning of the school year, or at least the beginning of winter quarter - and it's a feeling that i'm not familiar with, but nonetheless a feeling that i appreciate. i don't necessarily think that my luck has changed (although perhaps it has), or that i'm doing better in my assorted endeavors, but i feel that i've sort of reached a point where i'm able to look at things in a less detached way and sort of fit the events in my life into a bigger picture that allows me to be less hard on myself and yet, at the same time, supply myself with enough motivation and inspiration to keep myself working towards my long-term goals. i've gotten a lot more relaxed about social interactions, and by that i mean that i have been discovering that people surprise me more often than not; and that people, for the most part, have something to offer, and in some cases they have a great deal to offer. i've also become aware of the simple fact that those people whom i know are only going to offer me more as i spend more time with them. there's not a limit to a person's potential offerings in friendship or in general. i like the idea of knowing people for a long time, and perhaps not seeing some of them for a while yet still rekindling friendships and starting anew when given the chance. i also like to think that people continue to have an influence on you even after they have left your life, or at least left the periphery of your awareness.

a lot of the time, i just want to sit down in my room with the windows open and the wind blowing in and listen to songs on my laptop and space out to them and let them affect me in whatever way they will. it amazes me that some songs still hit me in the same way that they always have, and that the way in which i view other songs changes as quickly as the leaves. how does anyone ever get bored in this world? sometimes i remember how much there is to be excited about. and when there is nothing else, there are the seasons, and at least they provide a change of scenery. the seasons give the illusion of moving away to a new town, without having to really go anywhere at all.